What Parents Can Expect in Surrogacy and How to Build an Early Bond
So much of our cultural understanding around early bonding with a child comes from film and TV, watching characters speaking to pregnant bellies and playing them music. Parents expecting via surrogacy often worry that they won’t be able to experience this. It’s true that how parents build that early bond may need to look a little different, but it’s still more than possible to create.
Keep reading to learn how to connect with your baby before birth and what to expect in general from the more emotional side of surrogacy. Like so many aspects of parenting, the fear is in the unknown. Thankfully, surrogacy is becoming far more common, bringing with it a clearer understanding of just how joyous this path to parenting can be.
The Emotional Side of Becoming a Parent Through Surrogacy
Many parents, including public figures like Gabrielle Union, have spoken openly about the emotional side of surrogacy. In a piece from her 2021 memoir, the actress shared the complex feelings she had about choosing a surrogate, but also how comforting it was in the end to be matched with someone she could trust.
Allowing someone to carry your child through pregnancy is no small thing. Experienced surrogacy agencies recognize this and focus on more than practical arrangements. They offer a personalized approach that takes your worries into account.
Some of those worries may have to do with prior trauma. Those who have experienced pregnancy loss may benefit from more scan appointments to help calm latent anxieties. Many also experience discomfort in being separated geographically from their unborn child.
Acknowledging these feelings is so important. It’s okay for there to be some fear mixed in with your excitement. Surrogacy is an experience all its own. By being honest about the emotional side and partnering with an agency that can help, that uniqueness can deepen rather than diminish your parenting journey.
What the Surrogacy Journey Really Looks Like for Intended Parents
The journey begins with picking an agency. Once you’ve found somewhere equipped to offer safety, transparency, and quality, it’s then a matter of being matched with a surrogate. Some intended parents feel a click on that first meeting. Others need a few conversations, or perhaps a different option, before they feel ready to proceed.
The right agency will ensure that all possible legal and medical screenings have occurred well in advance, so that once you’ve chosen your surrogate, you can quickly finalize any last remaining legalities and move on to the embryo transfer. Then it’s a matter of waiting to find out if your surrogate is pregnant and, hopefully, getting to that exciting moment of seeing your baby’s heartbeat on an ultrasound.
Pregnancy definitely looks different when surrogacy is involved. There’s more paperwork and often more nerves, but the potential reward of parenthood is the same as it is for any pregnancy.
Meaningful Ways to Bond with Your Baby Before Birth
Nurturing a strong bond before birth is something that surrogacy shouldn’t get in the way of. Here are a few key ways to connect with your baby while they’re still in the womb:
Attend As Many Appointments As You Can
If your surrogate is in a different state or country, this might not be possible to do in person, but even FaceTiming can help you feel more included in your baby’s milestones. There’s something about seeing your baby on a scan that makes them feel more real and easier to connect with.
Put Up An Ultrasound Photo
Put it on your fridge or have it as your phone background, whatever works. Seeing that grainy photo every day and even talking to it can build that early sense of an emotional bond. It allows you to start making room in your life for the child that will hopefully soon be entering it.
Talk to Your Baby
Again, this may only be possible over FaceTime, but from the third trimester, babies start recognizing voices. You can also ask your surrogate to do reading play with voice notes of your stories, or just saying hi. In one surrogacy journey, the intended parents sent a recording device full of them reading stories, singing songs, and recordings of their favorite classical music that I would play to the baby via Belly Buds. The babies 100% recognized their voices right after birth, turning their heads toward them when they spoke!
Create Rituals
Tracking growth updates, writing weekly letters to your baby, and even creating a memory book throughout the surrogacy journey can help ground the experience. Rituals that create keepsakes also mean that you have something to give your child one day to show them how loved they were from the start.
Dive into Nesting
Preparing your space for your baby by setting up the nursery and organizing clothes can help build that sense of anticipation for their birth. It’s also an emotional milestone all its own that makes parenthood feel that much more real and exciting.
Creating a Positive Relationship with Your Surrogate
A 2024 qualitative study found that the most common motivation behind women becoming surrogates was a sense of altruism. They want to help. This is all to say that most surrogates want a positive relationship as much as you do.
If you approach them with kindness and openness, you’re likely to receive the same back. Early on, it’s good to establish what “open communication” will look like for your relationship. Are they happy to send bump photos? Cravings updates? Maybe you can keep a shared journal.
You’ll need to find the balance together between feeling included in milestones and respecting each other’s boundaries. It’s vital that you all feel safe and supported so that the baby is only surrounded by positive feelings.
Remember That Bonding Continues After Birth
Every surrogacy journey is different, and you may not feel connected to your child right away, but there’s comfort in the fact that pregnancy is only the beginning. Research reminds us that nurturing a child literally changes a parent’s brain. Try not to put too much pressure on early bonding. That precious parent-child relationship is something you’ll build by caring for your baby and getting to know them once they arrive in the world.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kelly Tharp has been an integral part of Growing Generations since 2012, bringing the insight of her three surrogacy journeys with Growing Generations to nearly every area of the organization. Over the years, she has helped lead the Surrogate Admissions and Services, driven Marketing and Social Media initiatives, and was instrumental in launching our Referral Program. Today, she is an integral member of the Education & Experience Department, shaping the programs and resources that strengthen both surrogate and intended parent support.
A community-builder at heart, Kelly created and has managed a private Growing Generations surrogate Facebook group for more than 14 years—one of the longest-running peer support networks of its kind. She also plays a vital role in educating intended parents, offering transparency into the surrogacy process and fostering confidence as they begin their journeys.
Kelly’s advocacy extends beyond Growing Generations. She has shared her expertise on national and international stages, advancing awareness of surrogacy worldwide. She holds a B.S. in Health Science with a minor in Human Sexuality and an M.A. in Education with a multicultural emphasis from San Francisco State University. She is also a certified Perinatal Mental Health Professional.
RELATED ARTICLES
- I Can Adopt an Embryo?
- Male Factor Infertility – A Contributing Factor in 50% of Cases
- 5 Ways To Make Fertility Treatment More Affordable ― Without A Job
- Bioqr Clinical Bioenergy Treatment as Applied to Fertility, Pregnancy, and Children
Cover image by Puwadon Sang-ngern
