From Loss to Life: How My Near-Death Experience During Childbirth Transformed My Music and My Relationship With My Body

Recording artist Tara Beier shares the details of her pregnancy and birth experience with us, and how her near-death experience during childbirth transformed her music and the relationship she has with her body.

Journey to Conception

In my journey to motherhood, I experienced both the deepest sorrow and the greatest miracles. Before I had my twins, I went through two miscarriages in the span of two years. I was under 40, and while my heart still longed to become a mother, I didn’t think I could bear another miscarriage by going the natural route. I told my husband, “Let’s try IVF.” It felt like the only way forward.

Fate stepped in when I met a couple in LA from Germany who had conceived their beautiful son through IVF. They referred me to the Southern California Reproductive Center (SCRC) in Beverly Hills, and it was there I met Dr. Akopians, the fertility doctor who would guide me through the entire process. I was extremely fortunate: I had one round of IVF and produced several viable embryos—seven healthy ones to choose from. But even with the good news, there were still hurdles.

Before implantation, I had to undergo surgery to remove polyps in my uterus. Then, shortly after, I developed thyroiditis—likely a side effect of all the medications and hormones I was on. That delayed the embryo transfer by about three months. I had to go in for bloodwork weekly—it was intense and exhausting—but I stayed focused on the goal.

When I finally had the embryo implanted, something extraordinary happened: it split. I was pregnant with twins. I still believe, to this day, that it was a blessing from a higher power.

As a Canadian immigrant pursuing a music career and life in California, America, I had left behind my family and much of the support system I had known. My husband, originally from Germany, and I were in it alone—both chasing creative careers: mine in music, his in film. The arrival of twins felt like divine grace. The odds of a successful IVF implant on the first try are low, and for the embryo to split—it felt like a miracle.

I had a healthy pregnancy thanks to the care of my maternal fetal medicine specialist, Dr. Tabsh, in Santa Monica, and my OB/GYN, Dr. Amersi. Together with Dr. Akopians, they became my dream team. They cared deeply and made sure everything was done right. I made it to 37.5 weeks with my twins—an incredible feat for a twin pregnancy. Ten days before my scheduled C-section, my doctor recommended that I be monitored at St. John’s Hospital due to the high-risk nature of twin births. Everything looked fine—my heart rate, the babies—there was no indication of what was to come.

When the day of the C-section arrived, I felt calm and prepared. But after the babies were delivered, I faced severe complications. I lost a significant amount of blood and had to be put under. I underwent not only a C-section but also an emergency hysterectomy. When I woke up, I was in the ICU.

The doctors later told me they acted quickly and that they would never have allowed me to get to the point of losing my life, but it had been a critical situation. I had a blood transfusion and two surgeries in one day. And yet—I woke up feeling peace. I wasn’t scared or resentful. I actually felt relieved that my uterus was removed. There is a history of uterine issues in my family, including cancer and PCOS. My grandmother and other female relatives had undergone hysterectomies. Somehow, I felt protected and even grateful.

The most transformative part of the experience came as I lay in that hospital bed at St. John’s. The room was quiet, and the light felt soft. I looked to my left and had an overwhelming spiritual experience—a wave of forgiveness washed over me. I felt a deep sense of love and release toward the past and toward the people in my life with whom I’d had struggles. I no longer carried hurt or tension. That forgiveness came through what I can only describe as Christ Consciousness or a higher power. It felt sacred and larger than me.

The experience shifted my relationship with my body. After the trauma of loss and birth and surgery, I emerged with newfound strength. I didn’t feel broken—I felt renewed. Within days, I was walking again. Within weeks, I was jogging by the Santa Monica beach. My body, though changed forever, felt like it belonged fully to me for the first time.

Creatively, everything changed, too. When my twins were around 21 months old, I began writing my next album. We had started spending more time at our desert house in Joshua Tree, and I enrolled my boys in a small preschool there. Each morning, I would drop them off and take a 20-minute drive through the open desert back to our home. It was healing—there’s something about the desert air, the space, the silence. My grandmother passed away just before I began the writing process, and the album became an expression of both grief and rebirth.

I titled it Mourning Doves of Joshua Tree. During that time, I began noticing mourning doves everywhere. Their symbolism resonated deeply with me. Mourning doves only ever lay two eggs—just like my twins—and they became a powerful symbol of motherhood, transformation, and connection to the spiritual world. The doves, the desert, and my journey from trauma to healing all became threads woven into the music.

ABOUT TARA 

As a biracial American-Canadian, Tara Beier draws on the diverse influences of her Vancouver upbringing and her current life in Los Angeles and Joshua Tree. Her raw songwriting, described by L’Officiel as bridging “personal introspection with an urban creative spirit,” continues to attract global attention, from the Billboard Music Awards celebration to editorial features in Harper’s Bazaar and Glamour. On April 13, she brought Mourning Doves of Joshua Tree to life at the legendary Pappy & Harriet’s, where the haunting scenery of the Mojave Desert becomes the perfect stage for her personal testament to the power of healing, hope, and artistic rebirth.

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