If you’re a first-time parent navigating mealtimes with a toddler who doesn’t eat the way you expected, you’ve probably heard it all: “Just let them be hungry—they’ll eventually eat it.” “Hide vegetables in their food—they won’t notice!” “Make them take one no-thank-you bite.” This advice might come from relatives, friends (whose children seem to eat EVERYTHING), or even your partner, but most of it is not only ineffective—it can actually make things worse. Studies show that when a child is pressured to eat or tricked into eating, they often feel more stress in the moment (who likes to eat when they’re stressed?) and they actually are less likely to ever like the foods they were made to eat. There is a better way.
First, Let’s Talk About “Picky Eating”
This may surprise you: there’s no universally agreed-upon definition of picky eating. Researchers, pediatricians, feeding specialists, and parents all use the term differently. Some define it by the number of foods a child accepts (fewer than 20? fewer than 30?). Others use it to describe a child who refuses to try new foods or only eats a limited variety. One thing is clear about this term—it feels negative.
Here’s another thing you may be surprised to hear: there is no one right way to eat. So…what if we thought about “picky eating” differently? What if we simply wondered why a child is carefully picking what they’re ready to eat? Do we really need a label? This shift is a game-changer.
The Approach That Actually Works
Responsive feeding is the approach to help young children learn to eat that is recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics, the World Health Organization, and other major health organizations. It’s simple and effective. Responsive feeding helps children build independence, confidence, and mealtime skills. When you feed your child responsively, they learn to listen to their body and trust that you’ll support them in this process (it can be uncomfortable at times!). This will have a lifelong impact.
These things don’t happen when we try to get children to eat because we want them to (or the way we want them to). Instead, start with what your child shows you they’re ready for. Every child is different.
Responsive Feeding Tips
Ready to transform your mealtimes with my favorite easy-to-use strategies? (Note: These strategies aren’t just things that have worked in my practice; they’re actually supported by high-quality research.)
Remember that everything is new. Don’t worry if your child doesn’t eat something the first time you offer it. They’re learning about how foods look, smell, feel, and taste, and they’re learning how to drink, chew, and swallow. This all takes time and practice! Let your child lead the way and show you what they’re ready for at each meal.
Create learning opportunities. Your child needs lots of enjoyable opportunities to learn—at the table AND away from it. Let them help you take out food, wash it, cut it, put it in bowls, serve others, wipe messes, or do anything else they show interest in. Learning first, eating (maybe) later!
Let them learn by watching you. When you eat with your child, they learn how to eat and drink. This doesn’t mean you need to prepare a four-course meal! Any time you eat together (even a quick snack), your child is learning. (Note: you also don’t have to “sell” it to them and tell them how yummy a food is- simply eating with them is enough!)
Expect a mess. Babies and toddlers learn about food using all of their senses—think of them as little scientists experimenting! They often want to explore food with their hands before putting it in their mouths. These “previews” help them become more familiar with a food and predict what it might be like in their mouths.
Support independence. Let your child feed themselves as much as possible. Feel free to help if they seem to want or need it, but try to do just enough so they’re doing most of the work themselves. This is how they’ll learn—and they’ll feel very proud when they can do it independently!
Your words matter. Children listen to how we describe food and how we describe them. What helps is talking about what your child is doing and learning (“That’s a crunchy food” or “You used your straw!”) while avoiding labels like “junk food” or calling your child a “good eater” or—you guessed it—a “picky eater.” Talk about your day, something you’re looking forward to, or the dog instead. This shift will help make mealtimes feel more positive and take the spotlight off of your child and their eating.
Trust your child. Remember, only your child knows when they’re hungry or full, and only they know what they’re able to eat in a given moment. Your child’s job is to learn to listen to their body. Only they know when they need to eat more or if they’re all done. Only they know which foods they need in the moment (hello, meals of blueberries and only blueberries!). Young children don’t eat the same foods or the same amounts at every meal—this can be stressful for parents! You can help by offering more when they show they’re still hungry and not pressuring them to eat more when they signal they’re done. If they don’t eat the broccoli today, remember–you have so many more opportunities to offer it in the future!
Be patient. This is not a race. Some children try new foods right away; others need time and repeated opportunities to learn about a food before they’re ready. Just because one child tastes almost every new food offered doesn’t mean they’re a “better eater” than the child who takes longer—they’re simply on different timelines. It’s hard to be patient—of course, it feels great when your child eats whatever you offer them! But remember, patience now builds trust and confidence later. Continue to offer your child pressure-free opportunities to explore foods and let them decide when they’re ready to try.
Celebrate the little things. Find ways to celebrate your child that have nothing to do with whether they eat. Try: “Thanks for passing the bread!” “You poked the carrot with your fork!” or “You gave spoons to everyone!” This keeps mealtimes fun and engaging and helps your toddler look forward to coming back to the table.
If you’re concerned about your child’s eating, talk to your pediatrician and ask for an evaluation with a feeding specialist (usually a speech-language pathologist or occupational therapist with specialized training). You don’t need to “wait and see”—help is available.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
STEPHANIE COHEN (MA, CCC-SLP, CLC) is a licensed and certified speech-language pathologist, lactation counselor, and mother who has been working with infants and toddlers for over 20 years. Since launching @learntotalkwithme in 2022, Stephanie Cohen has gained over 600,000 followers on TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube. Her videos receive millions of views and have been featured by The Today Show! Stephanie’s easily digestible videos offer helpful speech, feeding, and play tips to parents worldwide. Stephanie’s new book is out now! Check it out below.
Written by Stephanie Cohen, M.A., CCC-SLP, CLC
Illustrations by Lindsay Dale-Scott
On Sale October 7
ISBN: 9781464223549
$9.99 | Board Book | Ages 0-3
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Cover photo by Kaboompics.com
