How do you carve out time when there is none? Like, literally?
I’m writing this at 5:30 am because my four kids are asleep. In fact, I woke up so early this morning that there were still stars out (beautiful, really), and instead of bemoaning the fact that midlife sleep is practically impossible, I was like, “Wait! This is a good time to get ahead on my to-do list!” Why? Because after 18 years of being a mom, I’ve learned to grab moments when I can and eke out any productivity whenever possible. Plus, I know that spending a morning writing and reflecting will set my day on a better path than, say, scrolling on Instagram for an hour. (And, who are we kidding? I’ll probably do that later anyway.)
When my four kids were little, I was convinced I’d never be a productive member of society ever again. Even though I worked on a project basis, helping launch start-ups and doing some freelance writing, I was definitely all-in on being a stay-at-home mom. I mean, I was rarely at home with all activities, school drop-offs, and more, but I threw myself into that role just like I did my professional ones. I would be good at it, I vowed. I would jump higher on that baby trampoline! I would join that baby group! I would go to that parenting lecture! I was determined to tackle motherhood.
All I can do now, looking back, is chuckle. Motherhood isn’t something you accomplish. It’s something you are. But when you’re faced with the endless daily decisions and tiring tasks of the early years, it can feel like one long entry-level job with no hope of a promotion. So, how to carve out time when there is none? Like, literally?
Here are seven ways I did it and how I continue to dance between my own goals and identity while being there for my kids as best as I can.
There is no right way to do this, and even if you figure out how, the next day, everything will be different. And that just means you’re in the weeds. But you’re doing a great job. You’ll get through it. If you weren’t trying so hard, you wouldn’t be reading this article. I see you and you’re crushing it, even on the days you feel more discouraged. You got this.
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Keep your big goal in sight at all times, but don’t try to accomplish it.
I always knew that I wanted to write a book. That was my pie-in-the-sky dream that I’d had ever since I wrote my first short story as a little girl. But when I was at home with the kids, I could barely get through reading Good Night, Moon, let alone write a novel. Instead, I tended to the fire within me. I kept reading whenever possible, propping up books on my pump, reading in down moments, reading before bed. I thought of funny moments about the day and wrote them down in sentences, in emails, in scribbles on paper that I tossed in my top desk drawer. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that became the research phase. Information gathering. There are a lot of stages to every project. Whatever you’re doing now can help, even if it doesn’t feel like it’s getting you that much closer. So take notes. Do adjacent things to your goals in the time you have. A sentence isn’t a novel, but it sure does feel good to write one.
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Take the kids with you.
As my kids got older, I would take them to things like local book festivals. I’d introduce them to authors at bookstore story times. I’d make up stories and test them out on the kids. I’d share my dreams with them and test out content. Ignore the advice to “find me-time!” No. There is no me-time. There’s just time. So plan activities with the kids that you know will also fill your bucket. Share your passions with them. Mine was easier because kids also tend to love books. But taking them to a local library for an afternoon made me happy, too, and kept me closer to what I wanted to be doing professionally. Don’t feel like you need to wait, dress up, and get out to explore your area of interest. Do it together. Go to the places and spaces that make you feel like you. You’ll want your kids to get to know you. Or, if you can’t, go online when they’re asleep and connect with others in the space you’re interested in.
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Make creativity into an assignment.
I was craving books and author conversations so badly that I turned it into a podcast called Moms Don’t Have Time to Read Books, now called Totally Booked with Zibby. I created a structure with deadlines and time that even a little one could relate to and built it into my day. I’d read because I’d be interviewing the author in two days, and even now, I can show the kids what I’m reading and why, and they’ll just ask, “When is the author coming on?” I somehow tricked the world by turning my passion into a job. Kids get that.
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Ask for their advice, even the little ones.
I started involving the kids as early as possible. “What do you think should happen at the end of the story I’m writing?” “How do you think we can campaign together to win this podcast award?” “What do you think about this book cover?” And then, I often took their advice! Kids love being respected for who they are and what they think. So often, we think we need to be there to entertain them, but they have a lot of ways to help us. Give them the respect of integrating their feedback into your work and they’ll be even more invested. There’s nothing like seeing pride on a child’s face after they’ve done something “grown-up” to help you, too.
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Get divorced. I’m kidding. Kind of.
When my kids were little, I ended up getting divorced and then remarried. Every other weekend, I’d have time without the kids to sleep, write, read, catch up, and remember who I was. You don’t have to get divorced to do this. Take advantage of other people in your life who love your kids and give both them and the kids the gift of time together without you. It doesn’t mean you’re shirking your responsibilities. It means you’re offering up an experience to, say, your mom or your partner or your cousin – even your spouse, to bond meaningfully with your little one. Those moments and relationships are key. So absolutely leave the kids with your parents or your sister without guilt. You’re giving them a gift, not taking anything away. I wish I’d done that more. Think back on your own childhood: didn’t you love the time you spent with your grandparents? I know I did.
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Draw the picture.
Instead of laying out paper and crayons for the kids and then grabbing your phone or rushing off to get lunch going, stop and draw. Sit quietly for even a few minutes and do something creative with your kid. Compare colors. Get inspiration. It might not be the creativity you’re looking for exactly, but any project that draws on your senses and soul will rev your engine. Do the silly things. Engage. Don’t miss the opportunities that are literally right in front of you.
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Don’t be so hard on yourself.
I know, I know. I used to read that advice and roll my eyes. But really. This is as hard as it gets. Everyone says to “cherish every moment,” but just acknowledge that having small kids is really, really challenging, even when it’s amazing. There may not be time today. But there might be tomorrow. So take notes and catch the whimsy from the kids when you can. Someday, you’ll have more time than you know what to do with.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Zibby Owens is the host of the daily podcast Totally Booked with Zibby; an author, bookstore owner, publisher, and mom of 4.
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Cover photo by Pixabay
